The need for a catalyst. (Weeks 1-3)

Change.

Big changes are easier for me than small changes.  Moving across the country, almost 3000 miles away from my family and 2500 miles away from the place I spent 4ish years building a home, was not as hard for me as I thought it would be. After all, I moved across the world to go to college - at least I'd be in the same country this time. The concept of such a big change should have been intimidating, but I welcomed it. Not that it's easy - it's not, and I miss my biological family and my St. Louis family every day.  It's just that it's harder for me to make small changes - lifestyle shifts, if you will, rather than leaps. Drinking less coffee, not biting my nails, going to bed a little earlier. Little habits. 

Maybe it's because big changes don't necessarily evoke inward change, at least not immediately. Like, people who get gastric bypass surgery gain the weight back right away, because the change was immediate, drastic, and outward, but they still have the same habits they did before.  Those haven't broken.

Backstory. 

About three months ago, I finished my coursework for a Bachelor of Science in Music Therapy, with a minor in Psychology, from Maryville University of St. Louis. I walked at graduation with many of the lovely, amazing friends that had become like family during my time there. I didn't know what I was doing after graduation, where I was going... nothing had solidified yet.  But five days later, on my way out the door of my apartment, I received a call from the internship that I had prayed for, that I knew was my best option, and everything fell into place. (I might have done an embarrassing happy-dance, which I should probably have waited for until after I'd gotten off the phone. I'm pretty sure I sounded abnormal. Oh well. Hindsight, you know.)

Fast-forward to about three weeks ago: driving across the United States with my dad, heading westward with the wind at our backs. Or something like that. We were Oregon-bound! Headed to a state where I'd never been, and honestly knew very little about. Except the basic stereotypes: that people here are very eco-friendly and it rains a lot. Oh, and everything that Portlandia told us about Oregonian love for free-range chickens, feminist bookstore owners, the dream of the 90s, etc. Also, there is a good sized state hospital here, a psychiatric inpatient facility, with a music therapy program that my dear Dr. Kwoun raved about.  It's been a whirlwind since then.

The Beginning.

I started my internship at  July 8th, spending the first week in orientation, where they pumped us so full of information that I'm pretty sure it started leaking out of all the orifices in our heads.  I've had the pleasure of meeting some wonderful music therapists, clients, and other clinicians, as well as attending several groups, both MT and otherwise.  I've been blessed with a wonderful roommate, who shares my love for Jesus and my taste for Mediterranean food. I love the weather here, and the people. 

Although my time here has been wonderful, it has not been a walk in the park. I have had more than one clinician or MT tell me that this will be the hardest part of my career: I am both a student and a therapist, in the fullest sense. I will be coming to work full time, working on projects, proposals, and reviews at home, and constantly learning through observation. (Plus, you know, this blog. Which really is the least of my worries, seeing as this is the first post and I've already written more than I expected to have to say.) In college, I only had to worry about classes and coursework, on top of everyday life; when I'm a professional, I'll only have to work on being an excellent therapist and human being. Right now, I have to worry about both of those and so much more.  It's overwhelming.

The best way I see of taking the overwhelmed-ness down a notch, right now, is just to worry about the present. Instead of worrying about all I have to accomplish this month, I'm going to focus on doing well this week.  Instead of worrying about deadlines, I'm going to work on being productive now, before the stress REALLY sets in. Excelling in the small stuff to accomplish the big stuff.

Conclusion. (Or, commencement.)

I've made this big change, and my hope is that this big change would be a catalyst for me, to motivate lots of little, positive changes - spiritually, emotionally, professionally, musically, and physically. Catalysts generate the necessary energy to start chemical reactions that couldn't have happened otherwise, and maybe I needed a major alteration to start personal renewal that wouldn't have happened as quickly. Personal paradigm shifts, small and mighty rather than large and empty. 

That's not to say that I'm not content, per se, with who I am and what I've acco mplished, only that I never want to grow stagnant. My broad, overarching goal for the next six months is just that: to avoid complacence. Some sub-goals under than overarching heading (these still need to be refined, but it's a start.):

• Embrace challenge (or, in the absence of existent challenge, generate new challenges. This shouldn't be a problem, but I'm putting that stipulation in to keep me honest).
• Find a personal rhythm with which to balance my professional, personal, and spiritual growth. 
• Expand my awareness of treatment for this population and of mental health issues in general, as well as my awareness of different beliefs, worldviews, and cultures.
• Engage with other clinicians, with clients, and with others I come in contact with both in and out of internship, in order to dialogue and glean knowledge from their experiences, wisdom, and differences from myself.
• Improve and practice both self-care techniques and music therapy techniques. 

I never want to stop growing, and yet I'm afraid that in some aspects, my growth has slowed. Hence, the need for a catalyst.



109 hours completed as of Wednesday, July 24th.