On Life, and learning

Personal Stuff

One of the personal goals I outlined for myself was to find a rhythm with which to balance professional, personal, and spiritual growth.  I feel like I am finally finding that rhythm, although it does not always look exactly how I thought it would.  Before starting this internship, I had high hopes of being able to balance both a full-time internship and a job, while keeping healthy, avoiding burnout, getting in shape, and, and, and… now, I feel like I am finally getting into the groove of having enough energy for an internship and keeping myself well, without being exhausted at the end of many days.  I know that I’ve grown at least in some aspects: I’m not berating myself for not “being able to do it all”.  I am doing what I can, the best that I can. And that is enough.

One thing I’ve talked to a couple of people about recently is how I feel this weird discrepancy in my social energy.  I feel like I’m always surrounded by people, so I crave time to myself, but when I get alone time I just wish that I had someone who I know well to spend it with.  I am constantly with people, but not people who know me deeply yet.  I know this is because I just moved somewhere completely new, and because I’m keeping pretty busy.  I’m not trying to complain about it.  It’s just a weird new existence for me that I’m trying to figure out.  I’ve been blessed to have a lot of friends from St. Louis as well as family keep in touch and check up on me; I feel like distance has not been as hard as I was afraid it would be.  It’s hard, don’t get me wrong. But it’s manageably hard, at least for now. 

My supervisor and I talked about the importance of those relationships at our supervision meeting this week, about the importance of close, intimate friendships in keeping emotionally healthy and maintaining good self-care habits (another of my goals!).  She had a lot of good information about self-care, which I am grateful for, and this week I have really appreciated how present she has been for me, even though I know she has a million and one other important things to do. 

Professional Stuff

Part of my internship involves doing several projects that contribute to my overall education and knowledge of the profession in addition to my clinical observation, patient care and session-leading.  One of these projects is a book review.  I’m supposed to choose a book, a memoir of someone with a mental illness, and write a review as well as what I would do for them if I had them as a patient. 

Instead of just, you know, FOLLOWING THE ASSIGNMENT, I decided it would be a good idea to read two books instead of just one.  The books I chose were An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redford Jamison and Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher.  Both of these women were diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but had very different paths.  I’m almost done with my book review; I decided to get it out of the way since I’ve had some extra time this week.  I feel like this book has expanded my knowledge about the disorder; although I have a “textbook knowledge” about the disorder and have come in contact with individuals with bipolar disorder, these books provided perspective about the struggles one faces when learning about their diagnosis, undergoing treatment, and learning how to live with this mental illness.  Both authors were impressively and humblingly vulnerable in there writing, and I was enthralled with each one’s writing.

This week I also had the pleasure to jam with some of my coworkers at a special event, a car show that was put on for the patients for break week.  I kept catching myself comparing myself and feeling bad for not knowing every song or playing as well as everyone else, but the truth is, I’m just learning.  I have a lot to learn, and continuously comparing my abilities to others’ is not getting me anywhere.  I do, however, feel re-convicted to continue broadening my musical horizons, to keep practicing and pursuing excellent skills of my own.

Hours completed as of Friday, August 16: 261

Hours remaining: 779

The Learning Curve

This week went by in a blur.  A beautiful, messy blur.  I feel like I'm finally figuring out how to express and implement the things I've learned.  I'm slowly finding myself less overwhelmed by situations.  Many of the experiences I had would have left me paralyzed with feelings of nervousness and incompetency, whether real or self-invented, if I had attempted them a few short weeks ago.  This week was challenging - but the good kind of challenge, the kind where you know you can handle it and you're prepared for it, with a steep learning curve you take in stride. 

I had the chance this week to solo-lead my first group, as well as my first group leading observation (as in, someone observed me and I got grades and feedback from it) which happened to be an observation of my first ever solo-lead.  Although I was nervous, the music therapist observing me was very kind and calming before I started, and altogether it went pretty well.  I received positive feedback as well as constructive criticism.  The group I led for that was a music therapy relaxation group, for which, fortunately, my university had prepared me well. I think this is one of the groups I could see myself writing or tweaking a program plan to lead. 

In addition to that group, I had a few other groups I led or co-led this week, and none were as nerve-wracking to lead as I had built them up in my head to be.  Even though my supervisor was gone, two of the other wonderful MT's that I have observed and learned from took me under their wings and went above the call of duty to make sure I had what I needed this week.  I am thankful for the safety net, encouragement, and support that the MT's and other staff have provided in the first few weeks of my internship.